May the odds be ever in your favor.
Personal
I haven’t felt the need to have someone by my side in quite a long time. In fact, I’ve been pretty cold inside for about just as long. But now, I’m starting to warm up. Having someone by my side wouldn’t be too bad. Just maybe.
Only uttered once.
Dearest Sam,
I would say that I fear I may never tell you these things, but I do not fear it. I’m okay with the fact that you will never see, hear, nor ever contemplate me expressing these thoughts and feelings about you. I find that strange, before, I would have wished to express these thoughts to someone I felt this way about instantly. Without second thought, but no. Oddly enough, I am okay with never expressing my feelings for you. I do not know why, maybe I am truly dead inside.
Sam, I find it peculiar that you and I have never been really.. close. We never hung out all the time, we never had those late night movies and gatherings with friends, we never had special moments that we both remember the other was there. You know, the kind of things best friends experience together. No, no. Our relationship, though purely friends, was through conversations late at night. Whenever I had a problem, was feeling down, or was just confused as fuck about life and what I’m supposed to be doing in it, you were there to guide me through. To talk to me, to be there. Always. And I for you. I remember those talks as if they were yesterday, and you have no idea how appreciative I am for them. You talked me through the hard times when I felt down, and I you. It’s funny though, lately you have been on my mind, quite frequently. It is a shock to me, too, you know? I still can’t explain it so, why all of a sudden these thoughts arose.
It’s funny, though. I cannot go to you anymore. My feelings for you have.. changed. Instead of there another problem, my problem is you, Sam. Apart of me wants to tell you these things, how I feel, how confused I am with my feelings, but I can’t. I just can’t, and it’s because you all ready have someone. You have someone in your life where maybe I wish you were with me. The funny thing is Sam, I am so lost.. so very lost that even I do not know if this is what I’m feeling. I’m so confused, and this confusion brings upon an astounding sadness upon my soul. I do not like, no, no I do not.
I think in a very real sense, I’m dead inside. Not literally, obviously, but in the manner that I have become.. cold to my emotions, Sam. No, no, I am a very emotional person, I radiate happiness almost all of the time. I think more accurately, I have become cold to love and all that it entails. It has been so long - if ever, since I have felt the need to have someone by my side. I’ve become content standing alone. Why? Because relationships are such a fucking burden. When I got out of the last relationship I was in, it’s because we weren’t a good match for each other. I got tired of it. I was tired of not being truly happy. So then I began the life alone, just me, and nobody else to worry about. It felt good, and you know what? Along that journey I found myself, and who I am. It’s true, you know, Sam? You can find happiness within yourself. I have. I make myself happy every day just being who I am. But, I think, within finding myself, with taking so much time on my own to work on me.. I’ve become so.. cold to.. love, or maybe the idea of loving someone. Yes, I think that is better. I think that most of the time people are infatuated with the idea of loving someone, rather than loving the actual person themselves.
I am happy. I wake up every single day with a smile upon my face, Sam. I wake up knowing that today I shall work on doing things in life that matter, to me, anyways. I know that each day I work towards helping others and putting a smile on their faces, to spread the happiness I have found within myself to others. Yes, I think that is a fine thought. I believe that is my purpose in life, you know? The spread the happiness within me to others. But damnit Sam, what is this?
This sadness.. Sam, I am never sad anymore. It has been SO long since I have felt this emotion.. so long since the dark cloak of sadness has chosen to drape across my back. It is funny, you know, to me. I find it interesting, this need to.. have you by my side. You make me happy, Sam. As do all of my friends. You all add fuel to the fire that is my happiness that I have found within myself. It’s funny, though. Only you are capable of extinguishing that very flame, and causing that very hell to freeze over with a frost so bitter it stings. Oh, it stings Sam, yes.. to the very core.
I don’t know what this is, Sam. I have mauled on it for some time now, yes, quite some time. Maybe this, maybe this is love. Then again, maybe I am being just very naive. But, no.. I don’t think so. Not this time, I believe that maybe, just maybe this is that very feeling people talk of. Sam, you should know that I care for you, as I do most people, but for some odd reason, I feel the need to be with you. Be by your side, day in, day out. I want to wake up in the mornings, and to feel you there. To be there for you when times get rough. We both know all too well that we are both are there for each other anyways, but I wish, just wish maybe in a different way.
You are such a beautiful person, Sam. You know that, everyone knows that. But you’re such a.. caring soul. You give a shit about people, and I find that to be your best quality. I would tell you to never change that, but I know you won’t. You’re too good of a person, Sam. You make me want to be a better soul, a better person as a whole. You, Sam, inspire me. I think that is what separates you from most other people I know, there are a lot of pretty faces in this world, that’s for sure. But I’ve never met someone as good, as beautiful on the inside and out as you, Sam. I don’t think I ever shall either. You’re so smart, so beautiful, so.. perfect of a person. You’re nervous, you worry WAY too much, and you believe it or not, you care way too much. It’s funny, though, Sam. I find those traits so very.. precious.
I know that you will most likely live on without knowing these things, nor will you ever know the truth, but I am okay with that. I am okay with being your friend, and no more than that. I am okay with making you happy, lifting you up when you’re down, and always being there for you in your time of need. I am okay with the way things are. Sure, I wish things were different, with my heart.
I am aware that these feelings, at times, will freeze over the fire that is my happiness. I think though, Sam, that the fire I have lit within myself is not only internal, but an infinite flame. And though the cold is bitter, my flame shall always rekindle and lite anew. I am happy, and at times I shall feel sadness, but that, Sam, I believe is life.
Iloveyou.
